Sometimes—like 10:30 at night, when I’m settling myself for the night, filling the dishwasher, and getting my lunch ready for tomorrow—I look at my life and freak out a little.
Upstairs, the dog is probably asleep in our bed, even though she has two of her own. The cat is lurking or making mischief. My boyfriend is getting ready for bed…a normal night, and I panic.
How do I have this? How does this man love me? He’s handsome and smart, he loves me and he wants to be that guy for me.
And I’m not panicking because of that.
I’m panicking because for one split second, I am 260+ lbs. again, size 24 jeans, XXLs, unhappy, full of self-loathing and convinced I’m not worthy of anything.
The panic is so quick and sharp that I have to stop and forcefully remind myself by (looking down, or placing a hand to my stomach, that No, Sarah. Calm down. You are not that girl anymore.
It’s weird, little moments like this that remind me that weight loss is so much more than a physical journey.
I get asked so many times, “What’s your secret?”
And the answer is always, “Oh, no secret. Just diet and exercise!”
But there is a secret. You have to be ready to lose this weight and take this journey. You have to want to do it for you. I thought I was ready dozens of times before, but the truth was I didn’t have a clue. Even as I got started, I had no idea what was ahead of me on this journey.
My secret was me. I ready to commit and not give up anymore. I was ready for a change, to feel power and strength in my body. Did it take a lot of hard work? Yes. Did I need a ton of support? Without a doubt. This journey had to happen exactly when it did, and it’s not over yet.
Some days, I still feel unprepared. I think those are the days that the old me sneaks up on me, makes a disparaging remark about my weight fluctuations or slip ups, clouds my thoughts and makes me forget how far I’ve come.
And some days, I just have to close my eyes and remind myself, No, Sarah. You are not that girl anymore. You are strong and powerful, and you are working hard to be better each and every day. You are here now. Be proud of you.
…and, yes, the dog is asleep on the bed.